We’ve all been there. Whether it was of an acquaintance, a colleague, a relative, a peer, or even of your very best friend. Something about jealousy, demands to be felt. It’s like one moment you’re dancing around, amidst blue skies and sunshine, while the next, you’re in a black and white movie, eyeing someone else, who’s in full blown colour. I feel like every single girl has to deal, or has dealt with this before, and are judged and criticised horrifically on admitting any such feelings of envy. And that’s just not fair. Jealousy is an integral part of love. If Ron hadn’t felt Jealous, while seeing Hermione with Victor Krum, he would have probably ended up with Padma Patil.
So here’s a post to all of you who feel envious of someone else, someone who is seemingly better than you- which you’ll soon come to realise, are not. To all of you, who feel as if you’re just not good enough.
Here’s a couple of lines I wrote last year, when anxiety and jealousy made me as blind as a bat.
(Backstory- Me and my best friend used to like the same guy. We never fought over it, but my other friends kept pairing her up with him, regardless of my feelings because it seemed as though he liked her more than me (even as a friend). And so we got compared a lot, and I started feeling inferior. Then months later, when I finally got over him, and started developing feelings for someone else, that guy admitted to me ,that he too, liked my best friend. And BOOM. All my insecurities came flooding back and I immediately walked away from that situation- I didn’t want to be hurt like that again. I also swore to never get close to any other guy ever again. )
I seem to have come to a numb point, where I can’t write, can’t think, can’t do anything without judging myself. Without fearing being wrong. Without feeling embarrassed.
Nothing I write , seems good enough to me and that’s just making me disgusted. I tried writing a poem, to express how shitty I feel, but I couldn’t bring myself to finish it.
I used to think of writing and literature as my redeeming quality. Something I could do.
I have this friend EB. She’s perfect. Literally. And to be honest, it makes me …envious… and left feeling a bit inferior.
Her grades are mostly better than mine.
She’s thin. I’m fat
She doesn’t have a single pimple. I have a whole factory of them.
She’s good at badminton. I suck.
She’s good at skating. I can’t even properly walk.
She’s amazing at art. I can’t even draw a single straight line (not even with a ruler xD)
She’s good at singing. I sound like a squealing walrus.
And so, writing and books was the one thing, I was an expert in.
But my marks in language seem to prove otherwise.
And now, she’s (E.B) started to read books and obsess about authors too.
So what does that leave me with? Pimples and stupidness? Oh and my dumb anxiety?
I know I’m being pathetic, but don’t we all want to stand out? Don’t we want to feel like we’re talented and can do things like no other?
And when we can’t do that, we feel sick of ourselves and let someone who can do those things boggle our minds into a hole of inferiority.
Then after, even if we realise what we’ve done was irrational, and that comparison doesn’t do anything but bring on competition, we still can’t bring ourselves to climb out of that hole.
And that’s where I am -Dug in my mind, too afraid to peek out and work for my goals. Instead, I just let my thoughts break me down.
The worst part, I think, is that I never was that pathetic, I never lived by comparison. I tried opening up, trying to tell people about my anxiety, brushing off my insecurities, but it’s unbearable now. I’m vain enough to admit, that I wish someone would encircle me in a bear tight hug and lie, saying that I’m not a huge piece of shit. Otherwise , if this continues, I’m scared I’m going to scratch myself, I’m scared that I want to.
Don’t worry. I’m over that chapter now.
Thanks to some really amazing people, who made me laugh and smile every step of the way, I got over it. And am now really happy. Sure, occasionally, my insecurities and anxiety pop up, but I’ve learnt to deal with it, and talk it out, and not let my feelings burn up in my mind.
Here’s some seemingly cliche advice, don’t worry, envy doesn’t last forever. It’s a part of growing up. Instead of silently burning up in it, share your sparks, and use them for something good. Instead of setting out to destroy the envied, keep in mind, their feelings, and possibly talk to them about it. If nobody, I’ll always be here to listen. Trust me, I’ll always be here for you, if you need me 🙂
– xoxo, Shreya